Shoelaces
by Lif61
Summary: Sam teaches Jack how to tie his shoes.


**A/N: I took a break from being horrifying to the characters to write this! It's not nearly as cute as I wanted it to be since emotions and symbolism got in the way (of course), but I still like how it turned out.**

* * *

Jack missed Dean. Though Sam and Castiel were still themselves, still around, he missed them too. Usually they were too busy for him, and Jack tried to be busy too, tried helping out with his people from Apocalypse World. He knew it wasn't his family's fault, knew Michael was the top priority. But it was hard being human. He didn't get it, didn't understand all his needs, didn't like all the ways he'd changed.

Jack didn't feel like himself anymore.

Jack wasn't himself.

But his family was busy, so he stayed quiet.

He'd grabbed some leftovers and eaten them in the war room. Sam had skipped dinner and had left, probably chasing after another lead. Castiel remained behind, discussing plans with Bobby and Mary.

When Jack finished his food he tried to help with the plans, and they seemed glad of his input, especially his father, but he didn't feel any sense of joy from it. This wasn't helping. Not like it could've been if he had his powers.

Sam came back, carrying a plastic bag that looked to have a box in it. Jack turned away from him, figuring his dad was going to head off somewhere again. He was startled when he felt his hand on his shoulder.

Sam addressed the small group, "You guys all set with him for now?"

"Yeah, we're just about finished here," Bobby answered.

Castiel smiled at the bag Sam held. "Any luck?" he asked.

Sam gave an uneasy smile, seeming a bit nervous for some reason, but almost… happy. "Hope so. Uh… Mom?"

Mary smiled at him, and reassured, "Don't worry. You can do this."

Sam laughed, a quiet sound that barely lasted a few seconds, but it meant the world to Jack, even though he didn't know what his family was discussing. "Thanks." Then he said to Jack, "Alright, let's go. Your room."

"What's going on?" he asked, as Sam led him out of the war room and into the library.

"Just hold on a minute. I want to do this right."

"Do what right?" Jack asked, unable to help himself. He was just so curious. "What did you get?"

"You'll see," his dad assured.

They got to his room, and Sam had him sit in the desk chair and take his shoes off. Sam was over by the bed, taking a cardboard box out of the bag, and lifting up the lid. Jack leaned over to get a better look.

Were those shoes?

Sam left the tag on them for now, but pulled crumpled up paper out of the them. He came over, holding the shoes out to him. They were plain sneakers, a dark brown, but they looked sturdy.

"Alright. Try these on."

Jack did as he said, and they fit pretty well, but out of pure habit he'd reached for the velcro straps only to be met with laces.

"How-" he began to ask.

Sam knelt down before him, and gave him a smile. "That's what I'm here for."

Jack got distracted from the shoes now, and without really knowing why, reached out to touch Sam's beard. It was strange to him, scratchy against his fingers. This was unlike his dad. These thoughts about his appearance had been nagging him for some time now, but it wasn't till now that he had a moment to really deal with them, to maybe ask questions. Was this a sign that Sam wasn't feeling well? In pictures he'd seen of him in the past he'd never had a beard.

Sam smiled and gently brushed his hand away before taking his foot and putting it into his lap. Jack didn't pay attention to that.

"Are you sick?" Jack asked him.

"No. No," he responded immediately. He looked ready to say something else, but then he met Jack's eyes, his easy, contented smile turning into a frown. "Why do you think that?"

As an explanation Jack touched his beard again.

"Oh," Sam exclaimed, clearly understanding. He took Jack's hand in his, eyes honest as he told him, "I kind of didn't notice it. I mean, I did. But I just have to find Dean. I can't let anything get in the way, or-or take up unnecessary time."

"Is that way you haven't been talking to me?"

Sam lowered his head, cheeks coloring in shame.

"I-I meant to. I _want_ to. I know I haven't been the parent you need right now, I know Cas hasn't been. Everything's been so… hectic. But no," he said, that last part seemingly to himself. He shook his head. "No, that's not an excuse." He lifted his head up to look at him again, the longing to just spend time with his family but constantly getting torn away so clear in his eyes that Jack felt an ache in his chest. "I'm sorry, Jack. I know there are things we need to talk about, things we need to help you with. And I… I guess I'm trying to start that." A half-smile that didn't seem all the way forced. "So, want to learn how to tie your shoes? Thought it was about time someone taught you."

Jack nodded eagerly. He wanted to learn. He wanted to wear grown-up shoes like his family. And he'd accept any teaching of Sam's, and this moment to with him, though it would most likely be short, meant a lot to him. They didn't have time to talk about how much Jack hurt, or anything so heavy and important, but at least they had this.

"Okay. Just watch what I do," Sam told him, taking hold of the laces.

Jack watched Sam make a loop with one shoelace, and then pull the other one around it before tugging some of that one under the other one. It seemed unnecessarily difficult.

The shoelaces were tied in a bow now, and Sam asked, "Need me to show you again?"

"I wanna try."

Sam backed up to give Jack space to lean over and try with the other shoe.

 _Loop, wrap around, and…_

Somehow he'd forgotten what the next step was. Maybe if he wasn't human he wouldn't have…

Jack's thoughts turned dark and he clenched his fists, butchering what he'd been trying to do.

"Hey, hey," Sam soothed, gently taking hold of his hands, rubbing his thumbs against his knuckles till he relaxed his hold. "No one gets it on the first try."

Jack swallowed roughly, and decided to keep his thoughts of how much he hated being human to himself. His dad was human, and his dad was great. Sam was just giving him a reassuring smile.

"Want to try again?"

"Can you show me again?"

"Yeah. Of course."

Jack liked the way Sam was talking to him now as he showed him again, explaining what he was doing this time. His tone was lighter than it usually was, not the way he talked to the people from Apocalypse World or even Castiel. He hadn't heard him talk to Dean like this. It was calming, and it made Jack feel like he mattered to him.

Sam went over it a few more times before Jack decided to try again.

He got aggravated with the shoelace he had to wrap around the other one, so he made that into a loop, too.

 _Maybe if I can tie a knot with them._

Jack fumbled, his fingers not used to the motion, but he managed to get them into a knot. It looked like the tied shoelaces on the other shoe, if a tad messier.

"Is… Is that wrong?" Jack asked, straightening to look at Sam for approval or further teaching.

"No. Just different. If that's what works for you, it's what works."

Jack smiled, glad he'd been able to do it. Then he tilted himself, trying to glance at Sam's feet. He caught the light brown of the boots he usually wore. They didn't look as sturdy as Dean's had. But he wore them, so maybe they were okay. Different from the sneakers he'd gotten Jack, but still okay.

Sam noticed him looking and drew his legs out from under himself, sitting down.

"Wondering where my laces are?" he asked, tapping at his boot.

"They're different from Dean's."

"Got bigger feet," he explained. "Hard to find good shoes in my size. These do for the most part. I made sure I got you good shoes though." He rose to his feet, gesturing for Jack to do the same. "Now walk around a bit, see how they feel."

Jack did as Sam told him to, and the shoes really were comfortable, if a bit more stiff than the discarded ones beside his chair. He liked them though. Jack must've stepped on the shoelace he'd tied because he noticed it was undone now.

"You got it?" Sam asked.

Jack leaned down and tied it as a response. His fingers still weren't used to the motions, and it reminded him of all the uncomfortable sensations and day to day things of being human. But he still managed. He couldn't do it as fast as Sam, though.

That all washed away when he straightened and saw Sam smiling down at him. His dad was proud of him, and for a brief moment Jack forgot how empty he felt, forgot how much that emptiness hurt. Sam pulled him into an embrace, and he unintentionally breathed in his dad's scent. He was warm, and sturdy, and comforting, and in that moment, he was there for him. Jack loved him, and he knew Sam felt the same.

Jack pulled back first, not wanting Sam to think he was like a child, desperate for someone to hold him. For a quick second, Jack reminded himself that he'd led an army. He wasn't a kid, especially now that he knew how to tie his shoes.

Sam took out his army knife, which he tended to keep away from Jack, as he did with most sharp things, and then cut the tag off. After putting it away he pat him on the shoulder. "Come on. You can show Cas and Mom, and then you'd better get ready for bed."

"Whatever you have to do next, I can help," Jack offered.

"I'm sure you could. But you need at least eight hours of sleep."

"You don't sleep that much."

"That's because I'm a bad influence," Sam told him, tone slightly joking.

Jack dropped it, glad that Sam was taking time for him. He half-ran up to Mary and Castiel when he spotted them from the far end of the library.

"Look!" he beamed, tapping his feet together. "I can tie my shoes!"

His family gave their praise and for a moment things felt normal.

If only Dean was there to tell him he'd done a good job.

Jack grew sullen with the thought, looking down at his imperfectly tied shoelaces. Shoelaces - something so human.

Pats on the shoulder and embraces from his family drew him from his thoughts on humanity for the moment, back to this accomplishment, this significant milestone. He beamed up at them, his gaze landing on Sam, thankful that he had taught him. Maybe with more time with his family he could learn more, learn that his difficulties as a human would end or become something he could deal with.

Maybe he'd learn how to be himself again.


End file.
